Peep Report (Amy paris's take)


   More than one person has asked me why the peep off was happening at
my fancy-pants stanford-educated home.  Well, ever since I came to
Sacramento almost two years ago, all I^ve heard about is peep off-this
and peep off-that.  Last year I missed the peep off because I was on an
extended business trip to Reno.   This year I would finally get to see
what all the bullshit was about.  I emailed Dave Smith to find out when
and where, and he informed me that because he is currently homeless and
lazy, there would be no peep off this year.
   No peep off?  My birthday this year fell on the day after Easter, and
I told him all I wanted was a peep off.  You will peep off, and you can
use my house, I said.  And so he obliged.
   I prepared for the big day by doing the dishes and providing, as
promised, one box of peeps and 12 cans of pabst (actually, Milwaukee^s
Best, because it was a dollar cheaper).  Dave Smith, who is God, planned
to multiply the supplies for the masses.
   The first person to arrive was a guy named Dennis.  I^d never met
Dennis, but he said he works at StateNet and he planned to eat 75
peeps.  He seemed a nice enough guy, and he had come prepared with a
large Target bag full of peep boxes.  I could pretty much tell right
away that this was the guy who was going to win, but I doubted he could
break the 63 peep record set by emeritus peep king Richard Hanson. 
Later, when I heard that he had once eaten two large pizzas in a single
sitting, I wasn^t so sure.
   The crowd began to swell, but as the 1 pm start time approached no
Dave Smith was to be found.  There was a cool spring chill in the air;
the sky threatened rain.  Scott Soriano drank his own pee from a cup.  A
guy named Lurch arrived in a grey sedan with ^Peep Off ^99^ decorated in
peeps on the hood, sporting a severed peep-head necklace. A girl named
Shinobu stuffed peeps into her purse because apparently they don^t have
them in Japan. Dave^s sister Gina, who looks like a girl Dave Smith with
pigtails (and proved that the smith genes look better on the female of
the species), showed up, but still no Dave. The mood was expectant and
at least one person (me) wondered, would the Archbishop stand us all up?
   I was inside when he showed up, but I could tell he had arrived by
the squeals of neighborhood schoolgirls and Jason PAtrone.  Smith was
decked out in a black prom dress, his gold sequined halter-bra stuffed
Pamela Anderson-full with blue peeps.  Like a cross-dressing Portuguese
Santa Claus, he came bearing gifts--two full Target bags of peeps. 
   There were now enough boxes of peeps to feed all the refugees in
Yugoslavia  stacked on my front porch.  It was time for the contest to
begin.
   The peep contestants assembled on the sidewalk, while most of the
peeping gallery watched from the stairs and the porch.  Contestants
were; Bill, Steve Marr, Gina, Vicki the peep queen, man-punch-Ed,
Archbishop Smith, Dave Ninja, Dennis, and  Jay 4-eyes.  Maybe there were
others, I can^t remember. Lucky G&T and later events of the day have
erased many of the details. (Victoria has restored them; see below)

Highlights/results were:
   Jay Baker, Hipster/peepster award for drinking smoking and peeping at
once (40--2nd place). .
   Ms. Vicki: stylishly lubed peeps in a saucer of whiskey before eating
them (30--3rd place)
   Ed Hunter: consumed only yellow peeps (the most poisonous of all
peeps) and set a personal best (20 (better than Dave Smith))
   Dave Smith: bit the head off one of his peep-tits, without using
anyone^s hands. (18)
   Bill: puked up peeps in every color, creating a peep-vomit color
wheel (0, puking penalty)
   Gina: consistent speed of peep eating and genetic relation to Dave
Smith make her a promising contestant in future peep offs.  Ate only
pink peeps to represent for the ladies (8.5).
   Dave Ninja, 20
   Steve Marr, 15
   Dave Downey, 0.5 (split with Shinobu, unofficial contestant)

   When the clock wound down, Dennis earned the crown of peeps, setting
a new world record of 81 peeps. (Scott Miller insisted that Richard H
held the world record, and I have no evidence to prove otherwise)  He
ate the first 75 in, count ^em, 20 minutes, then stood watching,
completely unfazed, as Bill vomited stomachful after stomachful of
colored marshmallow mush.  He laughed uncertainly when, 5 minutes after
the contest, Dave Smith told him he could now stick his finger down his
throat.  
   Dennis was a true competitor.  As the other contestants filled
valuable stomach space with cheap beer, he pretended to socialize as he
visualized his eventual victory. While he admitted he didn^t really feel
like eating any more peeps that day, he couldn^t rule out eating them
again in the future.  
   Results of Dennis^s prize-date with Jason PAtrone and two bottles of
Night Train have not yet become available.

   The contest was over, but barely a dent had been made in the peep
stash.  Soon, the angry mob would find another use for the legions of
unwanted peeps.
   A few peeps began to be tossed to and fro, but then, before you could
say, ^Chris Woodhouse, Meestah Asshole^ the innocent peep-tossing
escalated into all-out peep warfare. From the porch, peepsters pelted
sidewalk dwellers with sticky globs of goo, and they returned fire.  As
I grabbed a handful of beer-soaked yellow peeps to peg at Lisa Banana, I
realized that this was my house and maybe I shouldn^t be encouraging
this?  But then all such thoughts were dispelled as I watched as my
roommate Victoria take the high ground: the sofa on the porch.  She
leapt up to the most strategic battleground with a crazed look in her
eyes and a fistful of peeps, and began raining them on some hapless
children who happened to get in the way.  
 While some 1500 peeps became part of the 20 minute peep air raid, a
chair on the couch caught on fire and Georgia was seriously injured when
she was clocked in the eye by a flying peep clump.  The cops missed the
fight (they came later), but not this guy Joe who I work with, who asked
me this morning if that was my house where he saw the flying peeps
Saturday.  
   When the last drops of Milwaukee^s Best were drained, the party broke
up. Dave Downey said it was the best Peep Off he^d ever attended, but
what does he know?  Until Saturday, he was a peep virgin, just like
me.    All I know is it was a good, good day. Thanks to Dave Smith (who
I might even miss when he moves away) for my best birthday present and
the sticky marshmallow treats ground into my carpet

 Pictures link 
note: i didnt do the pictures page, i havent even seen it yet. (dave
ninja)