Peep Report (Amy paris's take) More than one person has asked me why the peep off was happening at my fancy-pants stanford-educated home. Well, ever since I came to Sacramento almost two years ago, all I^ñve heard about is peep off-this and peep off-that. Last year I missed the peep off because I was on an extended business trip to Reno. This year I would finally get to see what all the bullshit was about. I emailed Dave Smith to find out when and where, and he informed me that because he is currently homeless and lazy, there would be no peep off this year. No peep off? My birthday this year fell on the day after Easter, and I told him all I wanted was a peep off. You will peep off, and you can use my house, I said. And so he obliged. I prepared for the big day by doing the dishes and providing, as promised, one box of peeps and 12 cans of pabst (actually, Milwaukee^ñs Best, because it was a dollar cheaper). Dave Smith, who is God, planned to multiply the supplies for the masses. The first person to arrive was a guy named Dennis. I^ñd never met Dennis, but he said he works at StateNet and he planned to eat 75 peeps. He seemed a nice enough guy, and he had come prepared with a large Target bag full of peep boxes. I could pretty much tell right away that this was the guy who was going to win, but I doubted he could break the 63 peep record set by emeritus peep king Richard Hanson. Later, when I heard that he had once eaten two large pizzas in a single sitting, I wasn^ñt so sure. The crowd began to swell, but as the 1 pm start time approached no Dave Smith was to be found. There was a cool spring chill in the air; the sky threatened rain. Scott Soriano drank his own pee from a cup. A guy named Lurch arrived in a grey sedan with ^îPeep Off ^„99^ï decorated in peeps on the hood, sporting a severed peep-head necklace. A girl named Shinobu stuffed peeps into her purse because apparently they don^ñt have them in Japan. Dave^ñs sister Gina, who looks like a girl Dave Smith with pigtails (and proved that the smith genes look better on the female of the species), showed up, but still no Dave. The mood was expectant and at least one person (me) wondered, would the Archbishop stand us all up? I was inside when he showed up, but I could tell he had arrived by the squeals of neighborhood schoolgirls and Jason PAtrone. Smith was decked out in a black prom dress, his gold sequined halter-bra stuffed Pamela Anderson-full with blue peeps. Like a cross-dressing Portuguese Santa Claus, he came bearing gifts--two full Target bags of peeps. There were now enough boxes of peeps to feed all the refugees in Yugoslavia stacked on my front porch. It was time for the contest to begin. The peep contestants assembled on the sidewalk, while most of the peeping gallery watched from the stairs and the porch. Contestants were; Bill, Steve Marr, Gina, Vicki the peep queen, man-punch-Ed, Archbishop Smith, Dave Ninja, Dennis, and Jay 4-eyes. Maybe there were others, I can^ñt remember. Lucky G&T and later events of the day have erased many of the details. (Victoria has restored them; see below) Highlights/results were: Jay Baker, Hipster/peepster award for drinking smoking and peeping at once (40--2nd place). . Ms. Vicki: stylishly lubed peeps in a saucer of whiskey before eating them (30--3rd place) Ed Hunter: consumed only yellow peeps (the most poisonous of all peeps) and set a personal best (20 (better than Dave Smith)) Dave Smith: bit the head off one of his peep-tits, without using anyone^ñs hands. (18) Bill: puked up peeps in every color, creating a peep-vomit color wheel (0, puking penalty) Gina: consistent speed of peep eating and genetic relation to Dave Smith make her a promising contestant in future peep offs. Ate only pink peeps to represent for the ladies (8.5). Dave Ninja, 20 Steve Marr, 15 Dave Downey, 0.5 (split with Shinobu, unofficial contestant) When the clock wound down, Dennis earned the crown of peeps, setting a new world record of 81 peeps. (Scott Miller insisted that Richard H held the world record, and I have no evidence to prove otherwise) He ate the first 75 in, count ^„em, 20 minutes, then stood watching, completely unfazed, as Bill vomited stomachful after stomachful of colored marshmallow mush. He laughed uncertainly when, 5 minutes after the contest, Dave Smith told him he could now stick his finger down his throat. Dennis was a true competitor. As the other contestants filled valuable stomach space with cheap beer, he pretended to socialize as he visualized his eventual victory. While he admitted he didn^ñt really feel like eating any more peeps that day, he couldn^ñt rule out eating them again in the future. Results of Dennis^ñs prize-date with Jason PAtrone and two bottles of Night Train have not yet become available. The contest was over, but barely a dent had been made in the peep stash. Soon, the angry mob would find another use for the legions of unwanted peeps. A few peeps began to be tossed to and fro, but then, before you could say, ^îChris Woodhouse, Meestah Asshole^ï the innocent peep-tossing escalated into all-out peep warfare. From the porch, peepsters pelted sidewalk dwellers with sticky globs of goo, and they returned fire. As I grabbed a handful of beer-soaked yellow peeps to peg at Lisa Banana, I realized that this was my house and maybe I shouldn^ñt be encouraging this? But then all such thoughts were dispelled as I watched as my roommate Victoria take the high ground: the sofa on the porch. She leapt up to the most strategic battleground with a crazed look in her eyes and a fistful of peeps, and began raining them on some hapless children who happened to get in the way. While some 1500 peeps became part of the 20 minute peep air raid, a chair on the couch caught on fire and Georgia was seriously injured when she was clocked in the eye by a flying peep clump. The cops missed the fight (they came later), but not this guy Joe who I work with, who asked me this morning if that was my house where he saw the flying peeps Saturday. When the last drops of Milwaukee^ñs Best were drained, the party broke up. Dave Downey said it was the best Peep Off he^ñd ever attended, but what does he know? Until Saturday, he was a peep virgin, just like me. All I know is it was a good, good day. Thanks to Dave Smith (who I might even miss when he moves away) for my best birthday present and the sticky marshmallow treats ground into my carpet Pictures link note: i didnt do the pictures page, i havent even seen it yet. (dave ninja)