ok im lazy, deal with it
Subject: peep crud
Subject: Peep Off Two: Electric Bugaloo V.2 3/13
Geez, I've already made a mistake. It's half an hour for God's sake! No one should ever ever ever attempt to eat Peeps for an hour! A tip of the Peep goes to Timmy Foster for pointing out that crucial tidbit.
"A well-regulated Peep-Off, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and eat Peeps, shall not be infringed."
This is just the first warning of the coming Peepageddon. As in the Book of Revelations, Peepchrist will walk among us, and the rivers and oceans will turn to marshmallow. There'll be more details as it grows closer.
Okey-doke I think I accidentally left some people out of the huge (35+) Peep mailing list, so if someone should've gotten this please let me know so I can add them. And if you come to your senses and want OFF this list, let me know. Friends don't let friends eat Peeps.
I've been in contact with Peep World Headquarters, and the date of the 1998 Peep Off is SATURDAY, APRIL 19. It's the first Saturday after Easter.
For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, the Peep Off consists of a bunch of chumps cramming marshmallow Peeps down their gullets. The most Peeps in a half an hour wins.
Last year's winner, and world record holder, was Richard Hansen with a gut-wrenching 63 Peeps. Li'l Davey Quackenbush "only" managed 62. For reference, the old world record was something like three. Okay, it was really more like 45.
This is the 4th Annual Peep Off, but the only the second one in Sacramento (we got a slow start).
As a special bonus, the Just Born company has created Blue Peeps.
The location is not yet confirmed, but hopefully it will be at the U Street Gentleman's Club. Same as last year.
>From Peep HQ this year's theme is tentatively:
fool me once, shame on you fool me twice, shame on me fool me three times, maybe I'm playing, like I'm in on the joke or something fool me four times and I guess my life just sucks, doesn't it.
Revelations Ch. 6 concerns the Four Peeps of the Apocalypse:
2: And I saw, and beheld a Yellow Peep; and he went forth conquering, and to conquer. 3: And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the Peep say, Come and see. 4: And there went out another Peep that was Pink; and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another; and there was given unto him a great sword. 5: And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the Peep say, Come and see. And I beheld, and lo a Purple Peep; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand. 6: And I heard a voice in the midst of the Peeps say, A measure of marshmallow for a penny; and see thou hurt not the Pabst and the Whiskey. 7: And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth Peep say, Come and see. 8: And I looked, and behold a Pale Peep; and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. 9: And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the Peeps the souls of them that were slain by the Peeps, and for the marshmallow which they held. 10: And they cried with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Peep, holy and true, dost thou sicken our bellies? 11: And it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, that should they be killed as they were, their bellies be filled by the marshmallow.
------------------ Subject: The Ballad of the Marshmallow Peep
These are the words to the popular anthem of the Special Forces, "The Ballad of the Marshmallow Peeps" which explains the socio-political actions leading to our victory during the war in VietNam.
-- Kinda sorta written by Sgt. Barry Sadler
Peep eating morons, we know not why, Fearless men who Peep and die, Men who mean just what they say, The foolish men who eat Peep today.
Marshmallow puke upon their chests, These are men, America's best, One hundred Peeps they'll eat today, A special ambulance, takes them away.
Trained to live off sugary crap, Trained in combat, Peep to yap, Men who eat by night and day, >From their mouths, sweet Peep will spray.
Sugary puke upon their chests, These are men, America's best, Men who puke a Peep puree, The brave men who eat Peep today.
Back at home a young wife waits, Her Peep eating fool has met his fate, He has died a sugary death, Leaving her this last request:
Put marshmallow puke on my son's chest, Make him one of America's best, He'll be a man who'll eat one day, One hundred Peeps as I decay.
Subject: Load 63 Peeps and what do you get.....
Ahoy there (that's pirate talk for hi),
Oh, these are The Times of Sadness, it is with great sadness that I pass on the word that last year's Peep Queen Dave Quackenbush cannot make the Peep Off.
Those of us, who were at the last Peep Off shall forever remember his bald head and smiling face as he shoveled Peep after Peep into that hole in his face he called a "mouth." Just as we shall always remember the bittersweet moment when he realized that he lost on the whipped grease Battlefield to Beercan Dick Hansen's sneaky but successful Peep eating strategy. Dave's new strategy is to not show up. Yellow marshmallow bellied coward. Always a bridesmaid.....
Other peeple chickening out include: Dave Downey and Chris Sanchez. For shame, for shame.
Who knows what the future brings? Methinks the peep off will be three peeple sitting around eating BBQ and saying, "Nope, I didn't bring any damn peeps" while Scott Miller says, "Take those Peeps and get out of my house! Oh, but leave the beer."
Anyways, Peeps are on sale at Target for 49 cents for a box of 15. I just bought a box of the new-for-this-year Blue Peeps to show off, but promptly gave them away to some cute underaged girl that walked by my window (old enough to Peep, old enough for me). She can't even eat them, she's vegan and can't stomach the tar. Sheesh. Oh, and by underaged, I meant under 21. Golly.
From: William Shakespeare Subject: Beercan Dick Hansen
Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world Like a Colossus, and we petty men Walk under his huge legs and Peep about To find ourselves dishonourable graves. Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.
From: John Milton (1608-1674) Subject: I'm dead and far more confusing than El Bardo.
Ere the blabbing eastern scout, The nice morn, on th' Indian steep From her cabin'd loop-hole Peep.
--------------------- Subject: Peep Results
Gee-zus Christ on a crutch, I never posted the Peep Results, and now the anti-Peep forces are on the attack. Assemblyman George Runner (R-Lancaster) is trying to shove AB 2303, an anti-Peep measure, through the old sausage factory. His press release is titled, "RUNNER'S ANTI-PEEPING BILL GAINS MOMENTUM." No doubt he's working on the old "If just one life is saved..." routine. And I thought it was the Democrats who write laws to protect us from ourselves.
Here's the official rankings of the 2nd Annual Peep-Off.
47 - Beercan Dick Hansen (the fat bald guy) 36 - Jay Four Eyes (the fat guy) 35 - Steve (the ringer Shellie married) 20 - Miss Vicki (dates a bald guy) 18.5 - Evil Dawna (dated a fat guy) 18 - Dave Ninja (the fat bald guy) 15 - Jack (one of the skinny lanky guys) 5 - Bill (the fat bald guy) 1 - Brad (the fat bald guy) .5 - Karen (the fat bald guy's girlfriend)
Disqualified for puking: 23 - Dave "Smith" (the fat guy)
It was a swell day for a Peep Off, the crowd was good, there were drinks o' plenty and there was fire.
To Mister Hansen's credit, I tried my best to make him puke by snowballing my own Peep puke, but his iron belly held the sweet Peeps down tight. He's retired now, but I can still remember him back in his prime sucking down Peeps like they were edible.
There's a true story they tell in those parts about the Mighty Beercan and boy named Timmy.
Timmy was an 8-year-old toothless crippled orphan, born without a tongue, dying of leukemia and the Plague, while the flesh-eating virus ate up his body, who lived in a cave by the river that was really more of a shallow depression he dug out in the bank with a pointy stick that wasn't even very pointy.
It was Timmy's wish that Beercan Dick would eat a Peep for him (as without a tongue, Timmy could only swallow chum coughed down his throat by a kindly old seagull that cared for him but the seagull had recently been murdered by a boy with a pellet gun and Timmy knew right down to his little weak heart that he would never ever get to eat a Peep of his very own as he lay there starving to death).
Well Beercan Dick ate not one, but 62 Peeps for Timmy. And this was back when Peeps were made of concrete and strychnine (they didn't know yet that strychnine was bad for you). When Timmy died, he died with a smile on his face.
Beercan Dick is just that kind of a man.
See you next year, and Happy Peeping!
Good Day (said in a Paul Harvey kind of a way).
--Archbishop Dave "Smith"